ROCKET J
Zone Head
Goes to water over a dummy!!!
Posts: 602
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posted February 07, 2002 11:52 PM
Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?
Too good a thread to let die. More please.
Rocket
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If I get any smarter, my head will explode!
  
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted February 08, 2002 02:10 AM
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her,wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
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HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food.
 -ZXtra
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted February 08, 2002 11:31 AM
Top ten games for old people:
1. Sag, you're it
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners
-ZXtra
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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Bagster
Zone Head
Posts: 630
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posted February 08, 2002 08:41 PM
chicken little
First grade...true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted February 13, 2002 01:56 PM
2 Aliens
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way!
Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad cause he is a bad mother fucker!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 yards into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was such a bad mother fucker?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his dick twice around himself and then stick it in his own ear, has got to be a bad mother fucker."
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Slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted February 14, 2002 08:06 PM
old age and treachery
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds
   
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GreenGlenn
Expert Class
Ron Jeremy's Stunt Double
Posts: 370
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posted February 14, 2002 10:17 PM
Rejected Valentines Day Cards
Rejected Valentines Day Cards-
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.
This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister
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If you love your bike, set it free. If it comes back to you....you probably highsided.
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted February 21, 2002 01:22 AM
A lesson.
A Lesson...
The Madam opened the brothel door and saw a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No," said the man," I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money and the two went up to the room.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have family who live there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you this $3,000."
MORAL...Some things in life are certain: Death, Taxes, and being screwed by an Attorney.
-ZXtra
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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ROCKET J
Zone Head
Goes to water over a dummy!!!
Posts: 602
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posted February 21, 2002 01:52 PM
The difference between ....
What are CATS?
- Cats do whatever they want and you have no idea what they are thinking.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
CONCLUSION:
Cats are little WOMEN in fur coats.
What are DOGS?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture they're allowed to sit on.
- They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't listen to you when you're in the same room.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then kiss you.
CONCLUSION:
Dogs are little MEN in fur coats.
Rocket
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If I get any smarter, my head will explode!
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Scooter
Zone Head
Posts: 899
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posted February 21, 2002 02:21 PM
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
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"Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional."
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Scooter
Zone Head
Posts: 899
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posted March 02, 2002 09:45 PM
A Nun, a Priest, a Rabbi, a Lawyer and a Doctor all walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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"Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional."
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Wildman
Expert Class
I only look confused
Posts: 318
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posted March 02, 2002 11:41 PM
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
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Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
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If you build something Idiot Proof, The world will build a better Idiot.
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ROCKET J
Zone Head
Goes to water over a dummy!!!
Posts: 602
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posted March 03, 2002 01:00 AM
It says what?
Wildman, don't forget some of the lines in the ZX-12R service manual.
Rocket
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If I get any smarter, my head will explode!
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted March 03, 2002 01:33 PM
Re: FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
Wildman...Good one! -ZXtra
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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ROCKET J
Zone Head
Goes to water over a dummy!!!
Posts: 602
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posted March 06, 2002 12:19 AM
Enjoy...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY
ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets
CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not ! have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She
is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
In order to make this politically balanced, we
offer the following:
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He
INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers
GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASSHOLE - He has
developed a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE
EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is
MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
Rocket
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If I get any smarter, my head will explode!
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