Ninjaman12R
Needs a job
as a Deal's Gap tour guide.
Posts: 4767
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posted October 19, 2001 08:40 AM
Good Jokes Guys
Good Jokes Guys!!!!
But none of them are as funny as Black Valkyries!!! He's a real riot, that MF needs to be on BET Comicview he's so funny. What a fuckin' pecker puffer!!!!
____________
What we're dealin' with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Sheriff Buford T. Justice of TEXAS
  
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ZX12Girl
Pro
Adrenaline Junkie
Posts: 1740
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posted October 19, 2001 02:07 PM
quote:
Yo Momma smells so bad Speed Stick slowed down and stopped.
I thought it went like this!! My son told me this one....
Yo momma smells so bad that Right Gaurd took a left and Speed Stick slowed down!!!!
____________
Life is an adventure. Are you driving?
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted October 19, 2001 08:21 PM
I'm Makin My Way To Novice!!!
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby
choked
> on
> her hamburger. She began gasping and gagging, and so one Texan
turned to
> the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm
gonna go
> over there and help". He ran over to the young lady, held both sides
of
> her
> head in his big, Texan, hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping,
she
> shook her head "no". He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she
> again
> shook her head "no".
> With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked
her
> on
> the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the
piece of
> hamburger and began breathing on her own. The Texan sat back down
with
> his
> friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick
maneuver
> always works."
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted October 19, 2001 08:25 PM
Don't Mind Me, Just Wastin Space!?!?!?
WHAT A PERFECT WOMAN WOULD SAY
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of
beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try
again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's. I just wish you had time
to
play on Saturday too.
14. Honey...our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come
see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy
yourself
new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go
hunting
with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the king mall again! Come on: let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you
retire
and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for
ya...
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted October 20, 2001 10:32 AM
How does a Blonde copy a Word Document?
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted October 20, 2001 10:37 AM
Words of Wisdom...
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
12. There are two rules for success in life:
a. Don't tell people everything you know.
b. Know everything you tell people to be true...
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Slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted October 20, 2001 01:05 PM
The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Good Southern Boy Say:
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and
gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight
   
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Slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted October 20, 2001 01:16 PM
 Edited By: Slug on 20 Oct 2001 14:16
for the cat owner who thought they had everything
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted October 20, 2001 02:22 PM
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted October 22, 2001 11:46 AM
Baa Haa Haa!!! Good one!!!  -ZXtra
____________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted October 24, 2001 07:36 AM
We'll Learn As We Go Along
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half
tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on his towel. She said, "That
was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would
hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible!... Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said, "I was a hooker in Venice, and I worked both sides of the canal."
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted October 24, 2001 07:46 AM
Viagra... A Woman's Perspective
Dear Diary:
Day 1:
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.
Day 2:
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know. I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3:
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4:
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift other than his mood.
Day 7:
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, I have to admit ...
Day 8:
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell
Day 10:
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11:
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.
Day 12:
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed...
Day 13:
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
Day 14:
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.
Day 15:
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy"makes "Father Woody" I want to bark like a dog. Help me.
Day 16:
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to...stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself... he did. He must die.
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted October 24, 2001 06:08 PM
Edited By: ZXtra on 24 Oct 2001 19:09
Rabbit
A man was driving down the road one day and saw the oncoming car hit a rabbit.
The man stopped to see how the bunny was.
The driver who hit the rabbit stepped out of the car, sprayed the rabbit with something and all of a sudden, the rabbit jumped up, waved, hopped a little ways down the road, waved again, hopped to the edge of the forest, turned around, waved again, then hopped into the forest not seen again.
The man was amazed."What did you spray him with??!"
The driver said " It's a hair rejuvenator with a permanant wave."
-ZXtra
____________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted October 30, 2001 07:52 PM
C'Mon Fellas, (and Girls) I Know You guys Got Jokes
Gotta keep this thread on the first page
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted October 31, 2001 12:00 PM
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
-ZXtra
____________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted October 31, 2001 03:13 PM
Reading Japanese
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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ddpete3
Pro
Posts: 1189
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posted October 31, 2001 06:25 PM
> > Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
> >
> > The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
> > The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
> > The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
> > The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
> >
> > After one day, these were the results:
> > The first worm in alcohol - dead
> > Second worm in cigarette smoke -dead
> > Third worm in sperm -dead
> > Fourth worm in soil - alive
> >
> > Lesson:
> > As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
____________
My name is Doug, damnit!
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Slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted November 01, 2001 02:29 PM
i thought that was chinese, not japanese
we still pretend that we like japan... now that clinton's gone we can and should STOP pretending we like china...
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted November 02, 2001 10:18 AM
One night Jim takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, Jim starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, Sarah replies,
"Are you mad?! My parents will see us!" Jim: "Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Sarah: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Jim: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they are all sleeping!" Sarah: "No
way. It's just too risky!" Jim (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!!" Sarah: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Jim: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Sarah: "No, no. I just can't!" Jim: " I'm
begging you...."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and Sarah's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom
says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
____________
BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted November 03, 2001 04:38 AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular. "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!!!"
-ZXtra
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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TENN12
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Posts:
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posted November 03, 2001 06:04 AM
Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out walking
together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the
Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. "With a blink
of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for
farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
so that no infidels can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink
of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually
impenetrable."
President Bush " says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted November 06, 2001 07:31 AM
Women's Language:
Keywords and their meaning:
Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead: (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead: (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" is the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.
Go Ahead:
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows. "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before making you pay retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done (or haven't done). You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
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ZX12ZX11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted November 11, 2001 07:11 AM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enoughg gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)
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ZX12ZX11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted November 11, 2001 07:15 AM
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway about 15 feet.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
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ZX12ZX11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted November 11, 2001 07:18 AM
The Buffalo Theory
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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