redelk
Moderator
Please... speak to the hand.
Posts: 3212
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posted April 21, 2003 06:30 PM
If I was the President's speech writer
Date: July 4, 2003
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving our vexing social problems we still have at home. I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Bosnia and all other P.O.S. nations our young men and women are stationed in.
Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose.
Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzos, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.
I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty... starting NOW!
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate ignorance from America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.
We will develop our own energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its isolationist destiny. I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first actions that this august body should take as we move in this new direction.
Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about taking one of those cruises up to Alaska. Personally, I couldn't care less who gets elected in 2004.
Throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator Clinton. She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet. Just let her try to undo what I have done. Hell, I've spent the past four years undoing what that cigar sticking, "What the meaning of is is", husband of hers. Good luck, sweet cheeks! I hope that big ass of yours can squeeze into some camos.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
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There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
-Ernest Hemingway
   
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Zhooligan
Moderator
Post Whore Extraordinaire!
Posts: 3829
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posted April 21, 2003 06:41 PM
Wouldn't it be awesome if he did this! Only in our damn dreams!
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To those who do not count their life in years, but in how life
has touched them in the past and how much it can hold in the
future; -- Youth is forever.
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jonwright
Needs a job
Posts: 2416
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posted April 21, 2003 09:04 PM
 Edited By: jonwright on 21 Apr 2003 22:04
quote:
..snip snip...
It is time to elminate World Cup soccer from the United States
...but put in more boobies! We need more boobies!!!
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Dino
Pro
Posts: 1422
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posted April 21, 2003 10:32 PM
Sherm for prez!!!
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uh oh
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
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posted April 21, 2003 11:06 PM
i'd have to say i'd love to see him actually give that speech. i may be somewhat screwed by it living in canada, but i cant really blame the US cause alot of canadians, most importantly the federal govt, really took to slingin shit on this one. i for one am all for the isolationist approach. solve yer own problems. a huge population living in an unhabitable country? let nature take it's course. wtf u doin livin there & breedin like rabbits in the first place?
only thing i really disagree on is the big time sticking up for israel. they'v cause SO much trouble for the US over the last few decades. not to belittle the events of ww2 by any stretch, but i'd have to sa thats largely irrelevant to the BS the country plays with it's even more bullshit neighbours. US needs to cut ties with them until they can get their shit straightened out too.
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GOZR
Zone Head
GOZR
Posts: 716
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posted April 21, 2003 11:11 PM
Edited By: GOZR on 22 Apr 2003 00:14
    Politics 
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GOZR
Zone Head
GOZR
Posts: 716
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posted April 21, 2003 11:17 PM
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
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posted April 22, 2003 12:26 AM
gozr, i'd have to say ur right with ur first series of "smilies", but coming from the land of the daily revolution, u hardly have any right to talk about the evils of politics. or perhaps u have the MOST right of everyone here, since u know better than anyone living in north america just how ugly politics can get!
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entropy
Moderator
Posts: 8671
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posted April 22, 2003 02:33 AM
PastorRE, goddamn you! 
Now I have to go find some windex and get all that coffee off my monitor.
ROTFLMAO
"It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate ignorance from America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America."
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This moderator uses moderation in moderation
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VincentHill
Needs a life
Posts: 6520
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posted April 22, 2003 04:53 AM
Even I found very little wrong with the speech! A little better arangements for the Palestinians and a few more names of our allies is about it! Good write and thinking!
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Made History @ Daytona and still one fast old man!!
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 22, 2003 05:21 AM
Nice........What more can one say.
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redelk
Moderator
Please... speak to the hand.
Posts: 3212
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posted April 22, 2003 05:59 AM
Confession time... most of it was written by someone else. It was e-mailed to me and I did a few "pastorial changes". Even I don't agree with a few "minor" points of the "speech". Sorry I did not mention this fact in the original post.
Still, it was too funny to pass up.
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There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
-Ernest Hemingway
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VincentHill
Needs a life
Posts: 6520
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posted April 22, 2003 06:38 AM
The worse part is none of this will ever happen! The French! When I collect money on delinquent accounts, they are allowed 90 days as on time and everyone else is 30. True story is that I used a collection agency on a over 1 year past due account and they collected it but never sent us the money. I then had to get another collection agency the SCRL to collect this from them! Really bad there and worse when the Communist were in charge and limited the amount of money that could be sent to the US each month. Then all they had to do was say we are at out limit this month!
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jonwright
Needs a job
Posts: 2416
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posted April 22, 2003 12:12 PM
Feelin' a little persecuted, GOZR? 
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Zhooligan
Moderator
Post Whore Extraordinaire!
Posts: 3829
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posted April 22, 2003 03:45 PM
Gozr you got some good little emoticons!
____________
To those who do not count their life in years, but in how life
has touched them in the past and how much it can hold in the
future; -- Youth is forever.
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TedG
Moderator
Posts: 8222
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posted April 23, 2003 10:29 AM
Edited By: TedG on 23 Apr 2003 16:16
If you were his speech writer, you would need to do a few things to help him get the point across.
1. Send him back to English class until he had a command of the English language.
2. Send him back to reading 101 until he gets it.
3. Actually find the WMD while he is at school, so he doesn't look so bad.
4. Get him and Joe Scarborough to quit sucking each others dicks, it is affecting his judgment.
5. Get Clinton as an adviser, so he may actually learn how to deal with the economy.
6. Get Clinton as an adviser, he (Bush) needs a blow-job (bad, by a woman), and Bill probably knows someone who will do it for free.
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Ted
2000 Green ZX12 sold
The fast color!!
Green 2005 ZX10R
2009 Concours Black ABS
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VincentHill
Needs a life
Posts: 6520
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posted April 23, 2003 11:42 AM
Edited By: VincentHill on 23 Apr 2003 13:22
Dang Ted! What does WMD Mean? Did you see my post on thje Corvett forum?
I just looked on page 3 and they "Locked" it. I have now equaled your feat! Also if you look at the South East region, under jackdaroofer, you will see a little more of my work. The guy pissed me off when he refused to remove me from his mailing list by saying that my profile allowed him to do this. I thought he was kidding until he sent me more mail! So we are OK now! I guess
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Made History @ Daytona and still one fast old man!!
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TedG
Moderator
Posts: 8222
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posted April 23, 2003 12:30 PM
Edited By: TedG on 23 Apr 2003 16:54
No I didn't, I have been so busy I have barely had time to scan this forum. But I will go look now.
I can't find anything, what forum is it in?
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Ted
2000 Green ZX12 sold
The fast color!!
Green 2005 ZX10R
2009 Concours Black ABS
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