zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted January 16, 2003 09:24 AM
Some Jokes
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 16, 2003 09:24 AM
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. . .
They should both be changed regularly and for the same
reason.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted January 16, 2003 09:27 AM
Subject: 20 Years
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in
bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved
the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten
out today."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 16, 2003 09:29 AM
BUMPER STICKERS
1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Hang up and drive.
9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
12. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
AND THE BEST ONE:
14. Welcome to America...Now speak English.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted January 16, 2003 09:30 AM
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite!
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
WHY DO A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish drive-by-shooting.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted January 16, 2003 09:31 AM
State mottos:
Alabama:
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Literacy Ain't Everything
California:
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic
Than Your Honda
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet
Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes ...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The
potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
(For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes...
And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky,
The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
And Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right HERE!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I Speak English)
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
: Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs
And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help!
We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna be our mayor???
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men . . .
and the sheep are scared!
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 16, 2003 09:32 AM
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your trangression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 16, 2003 09:33 AM
They're now putting Viagra in a nasal spray. It's for dickheads
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Ninjaman12R
Needs a job
as a Deal's Gap tour guide.
Posts: 4767
|
posted January 16, 2003 09:49 AM
Yer on a roll,.....don't stop now!!!!!
Excellent stuff Steve......... LMFAO!!!! 
____________
What we're dealin' with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Sheriff Buford T. Justice of TEXAS
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
|
posted January 16, 2003 11:50 AM
hehehe
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kawachan
Pro
Posts: 1031
|
posted January 16, 2003 12:40 PM
Don't make me break out my joke bin.......
____________
RED NINJAS RULE!!
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bigballer
Parking Attendant
Posts: 28
|
posted January 17, 2003 06:19 AM
True Story.........
Was at the gas station today pumping gas and watched a car with two girls in it pull up. One gets out and starts pumping gas. She is fairly well dressed, slacks, and a long sleeve blouse. Not paying attention she fills the car up so full that gas sprays on the sleeve of her blouse. After a few choice words and drying up the mess as best she could, she gets back in the car with her friend, who happens to be smoking a cigarette. The fumes were so strong that the heat ignited her arm almost instantly. The girl jumps out of her car waving her arm franticly to put out the fire. Out of nowhere up pulls a cop jumps out of his car with a blanket and extinguishes the fire. Unfortunately he wrote the young lady a ticket..............................................
For waving a firearm in a public place.....................
Have fun with this one. Guaranteed to reel them in every time!
____________
riiiight!
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 17, 2003 11:25 AM
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
However:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and "b u l l s h i t" will put you over the top.
But, look how far "a s s kissing" will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Now you have the proper tools to advance your career.......use them wisely.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 17, 2003 11:26 AM
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM
FAULT
ACTION
Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar
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Hells Dark Lord
Needs a life
living life, and loving it.
Posts: 7981
|
posted January 17, 2003 01:12 PM
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business
>>>>has gone bust
>>>> > and
>>>> > > > she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that
>>>>she decides
>>>>to
>>>> > > ask
>>>> > > > God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me.
>>>>I've lost my
>>>> > > > business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose
>>>>my house as
>>>> > > well.
>>>> > > > Please let me win the Lotto."
>>>> > > >
>>>> > > > Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again
>>>>prays..."God,
>>>> > > > please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my
>>>>house and I'm
>>>> > going
>>>> > > > to lose my car as well."
>>>> > > >
>>>> > > > Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again,
>>>>she
>>>>prays..."My
>>>> > > > God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
>>>>house, and my
>>>> > > car.
>>>> > > > My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help,
>>>>and I have
>>>> > > always
>>>> > > > been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto
>>>>just this one
>>>> > time
>>>> > > > so I can get my life back in order."
>>>> > > >
>>>> > > > Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
>>>>open. The
>>>> > > blonde
>>>> > > > is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart,
>>>>work with Me
>>>> > on
>>>> > > > this... Buy a ticket"
> >> A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since
they
> >>live
> >> on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his
chores.
> >>"Not yet," said the
> >> little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast
until
> >>he does his chores. Well,
> >> he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
> >>chickens, and he kicks a
> >> chicken.
> >>
> >>
> >> He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He
goes
> >>to feed the pigs,
> >> and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for
breakfast
and
> >>his mother gives him a
> >> bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any
eggs
> >>and bacon? Why don't I
> >> have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well,"
his
> >>mother says, "I saw you
> >> kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for
a
> >>week. I saw you kick the pig,
> >> so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I
also
> >>saw you kick the
> >> cow, so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."
> >>
> >> Just then, his father comes down for breakfast
and
> >>kicks the cat half
> >> way across the kitchen. The little boy looks
up at
> >>his mother with a
> >> smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him,
or
> >>should I?"
> This blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note
>
> for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note
>
> he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
gallons,
>
> so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
>
> The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
>
> to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
>
> The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
>
> with milk and take a milk bath."
>
> The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
>
> The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.
<< Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
> >a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
> >pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
> >cigarette, and continued smoking.
> >
> > Lady 1: What's that?
> >
> > Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't
> >get wet.
> >
> > Lady 1: Where did you get it?
> >
> > Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >
> > The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the
> >local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that
> >she wants a box of condoms.
> >
> > The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
> >after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks
> >what brand she prefers.
> >
> > Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a
> >Camel.
> >
> > The pharmacist fainted.
Enjoy fellas.......
____________
When in doubt, lean farther and go faster....
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kawachan
Pro
Posts: 1031
|
posted January 17, 2003 03:08 PM
Just a starter.....
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,"Mom, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I
reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat
your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room
again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
____________
RED NINJAS RULE!!
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Hells Dark Lord
Needs a life
living life, and loving it.
Posts: 7981
|
posted January 17, 2003 08:00 PM
lmao that was too funny Kawa.....
____________
When in doubt, lean farther and go faster....
|
zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 18, 2003 08:06 AM
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant.
"The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East,and three wise men came. And
I was hoping that they would show up again.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted January 18, 2003 08:09 AM
G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell
that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
|
posted January 18, 2003 12:49 PM
LMAO!!
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