zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted July 15, 2002 09:19 AM
Some More Jokes
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted July 15, 2002 09:20 AM
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she
replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------------
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
He said - Two inches more and I would be king
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen
-----------------------------------------------------------------
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted July 15, 2002 09:21 AM
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about
you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
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posted July 15, 2002 10:23 AM
listen to the wise man ladies! there be alot of truth in that last one 
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blkrnbow
Expert Class
Posts: 115
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posted July 15, 2002 01:25 PM
heh
>The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
>will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
>which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
>Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
>improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become
>known as "Euro-English".
>
>In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
>make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
>favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan
>have one less letter.
>
>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
>like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
>
>spelling kan be e! xpekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
>changes are possible.
>
>Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
>always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
>horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should
>go away.
>
>By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
>with "z" and "w" with "v".
>
>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
>"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
>vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
>understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>
>If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
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Scooter
Zone Head
Posts: 899
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posted July 15, 2002 04:01 PM
Q.Whats the difference between a convention of midget spys and a lesbian marathon.
A.One is a pack of cunning runts.
____________
"Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional."
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted July 23, 2002 12:43 AM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"
======- PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
======- PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gloiding"
____________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted July 23, 2002 12:44 AM
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple you c_ _ _."
____________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted July 23, 2002 06:18 AM
HAWAII SPECIAL PET:
ONE GUY WALKS INTO A PET SHOP IN KALIHI AND SEZ TO DA PET SHOP CLERK...
"EH...I WANT ONE PET THAT DOES EVERYTHING!...
DA CLERK THINKS AWHILE AND SEZ "I GOT IT...HOW 'BOUT ONE DOG?
"DA GUY GOES " ONE DOG..NAH! TOO ORDINARY...I LIKE ONE SPECIAL PET...COME ON.. I LIKE ONE THAT DOES EVERYTING..."
DA CLERK SCRATCHES HIS HEAD AND SEZ 'EH..I GOT IT ....HOW 'BOUT ONE CAT?
"DA GUY GOES "ONE CAT!! HOO...DA BORING... NAH...I WANT ONE PET
THAT IS REALLY DIFFERENT AND DOES EVERYTHING...I TOLD YOU!!!...
NEVAH MIND... I GOING CHECK AROUND..."
AND DA GUY STARTS TO LEAVE"...
DA CLERK GOES 'WAIT, WAIT!!! I GET JUST DA PET FOR YOU. "
AND HE TAKES OUT ONE CENTIPEDE IN A CAGE AND SAYS...
'HEA BRAH...CHECK DIS CENTIPEDE OUT... NOW DIS IS ONE REALLY DIFFERENT PET... CERTAINLY NOT ORDINARY"...
DA GUY THINKS A WHILE AND SEZ ' EH... WHY NOT? IT'S UNUSUAL
AND MAYBE IT MIGHT DO DA TRICK!" SO HE BUYS DA CENTIPEDE....
HE GOES HOME AND TELL DA CENTIPEDE ' OK YOU BUGGAH...
GO IN DA KITCHEN AND CLEAN DA KITCHEN!"
DA CENTIPEDE CRAWLS OUT OF DA CAGE AND INTO DA KITCHEN.
AN HOUR LATER DA GUY WALKS INTO DA KITCHEN AND IT IS SPOTLESS.
DA FLOORS HAVE BEEN WAXED...DA SILVER SHINED...DA GLASSES
AND DISHES SPARKLE...DA BUGGAH WEN CLEAN DA REFRIGERATOR
AND EVERYTHING...HOOOO MAN DA GUY IS IMPRESSED!!!!!!!!
HE TAKES DA CENTIPEDE IN DA LIVING ROOM AND SAYS ' OK... NOW CLEAN DA LIVING ROOM' AN HOUR LATER HE WALKS BACK INTO DA LIVING ROOM AND WHOA! DA LIVING ROOM IS IMMACULATE...DA CARPET HAS BEEN SHAMPOOED...
DA FURNITURE DUSTED AND PILLOWS FLUFFED...DA PLANTS WATERED...DA BOOKS ON DA SHELF ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY....DA GUY IS STOKED!!!
' MAN,' HE THINKS TO HIMSELF...'THIS PET OF MINE REALLY DOES DO EVERYTHING!! AWESOME !
HE NOW GIVES DA CENTIPEDE SOME MONEY AND SAYS' OK..... GO DOWN TO DA CORNER GROCERY STORE AND BUY DA STUFF ON THIS LIST FOR ME.
'DA CENTIPEDE LOOKS AT DA LIST ..NODS..AND WALKS OUT DA DOOR....
15 MINUTES GO BY...DEN HALF AN HOUR ...
DEN AN HOUR....DA GUY STARTS TO WORRY...'HOO MAN.' HE THINKS TO HIMSELF... 'WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO MY PET...MAYBE HE GOT RUN OVER...OR GOT LOST
HE BEGINS TO REALLY GET WORRIED.. AFTER ANODDAH HOUR GO BY.
HE DECIDES HE GONNA LOOK FOR HIS CENTIPEDE...AND GOES OUT DA FRONT DOOR ONLY TO RUN INTO DA CENTIPEDE SITTING ON DA PORCH.
DA GUY GOES.....'HEY...WASSUP? I TOLD YOU TO GO TO DA STORE TWO HOURS AGO.......I WAS WORRIED...WHAT'S GOING ON ?
DA CENTIPEDE LOOKS UP AT HIM AND SEZ..'EH......COOL YOUR
JETS....I GOING.......I GOING.....I STAY PUTTING ON MY SLIPPAHS!"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted July 27, 2002 10:12 AM
It is the year 2002 and Noah is now living in the
United States. The Lord
speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I'm going to
make it rain and cover the
whole earth with water until everything is
destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of very kind of living
thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. Fearful
and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
build the Ark. "Remember,"
said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one
year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his front
yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where's the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my
best, but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans did
not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the
plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then
my neighbor objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban
on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I
finally convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no
owls. The carpenters
formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with
the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters
on the Ark, but still no
owls.
When I started rounding up all the other animals, I
got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of
each kind aboard. Just
when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed
flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then the Army Corps of
Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a
globe. They were NOT impressed with my sense of
humor!
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has
seized all my assets,
claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to
flee the country to
avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind
of 'user tax' and failed to register the Ark as a
recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth, it's a
religious event, and therefore "unconstitutional." I
really don't think I can
finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear up, the sun began to shine
and the seas began to calm
down. A rainbow arched across the sky and Noah
looked up hopefully.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth,
Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already
has."
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