zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted June 02, 2002 08:07 AM
What the Hell. More Jokes
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said,"Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be? "
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.
The woman thought for a minute and said,"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun,likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That's what I wish for a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said,"Let me see that friggin' map!"
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted June 02, 2002 08:18 AM
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old.
Squash their toes with your rocker.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not
me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
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Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy, it is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say "WHOOPEE!"
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all lead in the pants..
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Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
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Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly.
It is more often a succession of jerks.
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Yeah; being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and bald they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then ... oh my goodness you forget to pull your zipper down!
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tj zoom
Novice Class
Posts: 64
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posted June 03, 2002 09:06 PM
Hey..... Pretty guuuud ones .... Thanks!
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bagster
Zone Head
Posts: 630
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posted August 06, 2002 06:30 AM
Games for when we are older...
1. Sag, You're It
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc, Goose!
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
11. Drop the Hanky Panky
12. Please (let me catch my breath) Tag
13. Crack the Back
14. Cholesterol-free Egg Hunt
The true meaning of getting old...
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any
fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted August 07, 2002 01:45 AM
 Edited By: ZXtra on 7 Aug 2002 02:46
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several month's, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he montioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."
 -ZXtra
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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ZXtra
Expert Class
Posts: 490
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posted August 07, 2002 01:49 AM
Edited By: ZXtra on 7 Aug 2002 02:50
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
-ZXtra
____________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick!
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bagster
Zone Head
Posts: 630
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posted August 09, 2002 08:36 AM
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Deputy told him that he had some
flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted August 26, 2002 10:19 AM
As most of the members know I work for an airline. I thought this was one of the funniest jokes in a long time.
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe, who was sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? I think I had better have a scotch and soda.' When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, the entire crew is female."
"My God!" said Joe. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the
cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it a cockpit. Now, it's the box office."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted August 27, 2002 06:46 AM
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to
define bra sizes?
If you have wondered, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for...it is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
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ddpete3
Pro
Posts: 1189
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posted August 27, 2002 10:03 AM
or {F} fat
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted August 29, 2002 09:39 AM
This has got to be one of the most clever e-mails that I have ever seen. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! ! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN
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slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted August 29, 2002 06:04 PM
mind if i quote a few of your jokes on 'another' forum?
(yzf not zx12 forum)
thanks ;P
 
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted August 30, 2002 06:44 AM
Go for it slug.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted August 30, 2002 06:50 AM
Subject: cows and economics
Using cows as the example to explain world economics.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow
cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once
a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
A WEST VIRGINIA CORPORATION You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda
cute...
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted September 05, 2002 10:21 AM
A few Henny Youngman sayings:
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last; Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married
"Miss Right." I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"... I said "Dust!"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted September 05, 2002 10:23 AM
Edited By: zx12zx11 on 5 Sep 2002 11:24
Missing Wife XXX
http://txc.net.au/~mapie/missingwife.htm
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted September 07, 2002 07:27 AM
Lesbonics
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with
Mary Kay on their face.
5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as
whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe
out of the tops of their heads.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having
their periods? Finger paint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her
partner? See you next month.
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian
won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her
own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker
and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack
snacker.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted September 07, 2002 07:29 AM
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.
Feel better?
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted September 07, 2002 07:30 AM
A farmer had five female pigs and determined to take them to the county fair and sell them since times were hard.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5a.m., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning,
then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
The following morning, mud again! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"
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