zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted March 15, 2003 10:56 AM
Just a couple of Jokes
The Redneck with Class
After Making Love...
The Italian says, "When I've a
finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down
and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've
finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all
ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of
her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy.
When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out
of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my pecker
on the curtains. She hits the fucking ceiling!"
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted March 15, 2003 10:56 AM
A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little green guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my
pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once - sometimes twice a week.! "
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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GOZR
Zone Head
GOZR
Posts: 716
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posted March 15, 2003 09:41 PM
lol 
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
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posted March 16, 2003 01:35 AM
hey gozr, ur name come from the demon (or whatever it is), pronounced "go-zer"?
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bagster
Zone Head
Posts: 630
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posted March 17, 2003 10:07 AM
The horror of blimps... (true story?)
Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that
they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big
balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the
bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you
have a radio controll indoor blimp.
I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At
Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at
home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we
put the blimp together.
Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft
diameter.
We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and
put in batteries.
Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came
with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.
It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey
Mouse helium voices for my daughter.
My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house,
terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy
my daughter could fly.
Let's face it, blimps are fun.
Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the
blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to
bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I
have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in
at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.
The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a
career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the
blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living
and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then
entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.
Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible
and tiny air currects it approached the bed.
In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That
doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.
I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly
tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.
That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.
I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large
levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent
through the maligant darkness.
Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there
are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do
me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide
it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.
So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.
On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing
presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and
there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF
THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!
Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security
outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet
up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his
peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING
FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit
every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was
dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful
sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a
nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about
240 even faster.
I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and
science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our
alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and
monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of
time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when
the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.
When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all
at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.
Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to
the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not
that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.
I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over
at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch
the living shit out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the
night terror produces.
It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it
about the room at terrifying velocity.
Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at
the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a
nice hole in the wall.)
Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp,
and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually
feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.
On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the
toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.
Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the
incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I
went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived
the incident.
I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated
around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the
door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I
fell asleep.
***
At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware
that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now
floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.
The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the
suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the
appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.
This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I
had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil
lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.
I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.
Some blimps are better off dead.
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TedG
Moderator
Posts: 8222
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posted March 17, 2003 10:21 AM
Bagster, well written and damn funny, my eyes are still watering.
____________
Ted
2000 Green ZX12 sold
The fast color!!
Green 2005 ZX10R
2009 Concours Black ABS
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Ninjaman12R
Needs a job
as a Deal's Gap tour guide.
Posts: 4767
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posted March 17, 2003 11:26 AM
LOL!!!!!
Bagster,....you just made my day!!! Great story,..and ah, sorry about yer blimp. 
____________
What we're dealin' with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Sheriff Buford T. Justice of TEXAS
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