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zx12zx11

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Posts: 471

posted September 24, 2002 06:31 AM

Ok I can't stand it... No Jokes here!!!!

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
" Yes ."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And Beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well" Says the Hooker smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The Hooker replies, $1,500."
"$1,500 My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The Hooker replies,"Step over here to the window big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten Minutes later he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker "How much for some pussy?" The Hooker says, "Come over here to the window I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No " the hooker replies , but I would if I had a pussy.

zx12zx11

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Posts: 471

posted September 24, 2002 06:32 AM

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get
one as there is a shortage."

The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

zx12zx11

Expert Class
Posts: 471

posted September 24, 2002 06:33 AM

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really

are...

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and

it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are

"I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year

from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat

crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a

bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was

right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you

can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend

all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't

really ours; it was given to us by God; He just let us borrow it

while we're here....even our kids.

12. And finally... Be really good to your family and/or friends.

You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

zx12zx11

Expert Class
Posts: 471

posted September 24, 2002 06:34 AM

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I
get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he
did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's
been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so
grouchy!"

zx12zx11

Expert Class
Posts: 471

posted September 24, 2002 06:35 AM

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?"

Billy Ray replied, "Shiiiiit!!! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goat"!!

zx12zx11

Expert Class
Posts: 471

posted September 24, 2002 06:35 AM

If Airlines Sold Paint
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with us and enjoy your strokes.

N Da Zone

Expert Class
Posts: 215

posted September 24, 2002 07:33 AM

One morning an exchange student from Japan joins a high school.

After introducing "Suzuki" to the class, the teacher says, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death'?" Only Suzuki raises his hand.

"Yes, Suzuki", says the teacher.

"Patrick Henry, 1775", he answers.

"Class, you should be ashamed", snaps the teacher. "Suzuki is new to our country and knows more about it than you do."

"Screw the Japs", whispers a student.

"Who said that?!", snaps the teacher.

Suzuki raises his hand, eyes the room, and says, 'Lee Iacocca, 1982".

A student in the back quips, "I think I'm gonna puke".

"Whos said that!", yells the teacher.

"George Bush, 1991", Suzuki yelps.

"Oh yeah? Suck this", yells a frustated student.

Suzuki stands up and declares, "Bill Clinton, 1997".

Another student screams, "You little sh!t. If you say one more word, I swear I'll kill you!"

Suzuki jumps on his chair and yells, "Gary Condit, 2001".

N Da Zone

Expert Class
Posts: 215

posted September 24, 2002 07:34 AM

What Red Lights Mean To The Elderly
==============================

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both ladies could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was again red, and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention at the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. At this point she turned to her friend and said, "Mildred! Do you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could get killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Holy Moly! Am I driving?"

frEEk