redelk
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Please... speak to the hand.
Posts: 3212
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posted April 08, 2002 01:17 AM
 Edited By: redelk on 8 Apr 2002 02:38
Red Elk's big brother died today
This is a copy of the e-mail I sent Fish last Friday. It was right before I was going to leave my office and go see my brother in the hospital for the first and what turned out to be the last time. He died Sunday afternoon at about 1 pm.
I could do a typical "Red Elk post" of how I feel and try to apply "Red Elk logic" on what it all means... but I won't bore ya'll with. I'll just reprint the e-mail.
The time I've been expecting for over five years... has arrived. My 53 year old brother, after thirty plus years of alcoholism, is going to die. Tuesday, he had a major coronary. He wasn't taken to the hospital till THURSDAY afternoon. By that time, he wasn't aware of anything happening around him. Now, he's not even aware of who's in the hospital room.
I will be going to see him in about an hour or so. I can pretty well assume that his liver has completely shut down. There's swelling and bleeding on his brain. They won't be putting him on any form of life support or really giving him any medications to address his problems. In other words... he's too far gone. He can't communicate even though his eyes are open occasionally. It's just a blind empty stare. The good thing is that even though he doesn't recognize anyone in the room (or even aware of someone's presence), he also is feeling no pain of any sort. That's probably the first time he's not felt pain in over a decade.
There still is minor brain activity, but the doctors seem to believe that it's not enough to actually process any information. Basically it's enough for his to keep breathing and his heart pumping. That's it. Like a long term cancer illness, it's not like this is any surprise to any of his friends or family.
As you and many of the folks on the boards know, I've been in recovery from amphetamine addiction for over 5 years. I have spoken about this very day with my sponsor for years. I love my brother very much. I also hold some contempt (not really anger) for him. Then there are times that I'm almost indifferent. My perspective of an addict has been both a curse and a blessing. I've have seen and realized things about him that no one else in the family can.
Over the years, some have asked my why haven't I done something to stop him from drinking. None of them understand, since they are neither of the mind of an addict or an alcoholic. It's not like that. I can't "make" him stop drinking by taking him to a AA meeting. He wouldn't have gone. Our family had already done two "interventions" (locking them up in a hospital to dry out) over the years. Folks just don't understand that the alcoholic/addict is the ONLY one that can make that choice. It doesn't matter if one was to take everything away from them (we've fired him from the family company) or gave everything to him (we hired him back). I can't control his actions any easier then you can control mine.
For me, that has become easy for me to accept. He found it just as easy to ignore the warnings from both his doctors as well as other family members and friends. It's not like we just gave up on him. We didn't. My sister and I "forced" him to retire from work and paid him 90% of he salary, as well as 100% of his health insurance. Our mother (her and my father started and still own the company) said that my sister and I were just going to "kill him quicker". The thing is that his health had already gotten to the point where just the mere act of coming to work could kill him. He was barely able to drive the 1 1/2 miles from his home to pick up his check every Friday.
Still no matter how much I can accept that I, my family or his friends are in no way responsible for his current condition, no matter how much I accept the fact that it's not my brother's conduct or condition that has and will make my family act or feel (blaming him or others for their depression)... he's still my brother. He will always be the one who took me places when my big sisters wouldn't. Even after he moved out of our parents' home and my sisters still lived there. He'll always be the one who taught me how catch a football or how to hit a baseball (he was my little league coach too). He'd let me sneak sips of his beer and hang out with him at the parties he'd have when mom and dad were out of town. He taught me how to drive and work a clutch and stick shift. Basically, he did all the normal things that big brothers do for (and to) their little brothers.
I know I'll be asked to do his eulogy and I'll probably be the one that has to spread his ashes over his favorite cabin nest to the river where he used to fish. He has four sons from his first marriage. All of them have been notified. One lives here in town and has already been to see him. His youngest is in the Marines in North Carolina and will not likely be able to come until the funeral. His two oldest sons that live about 100~140 miles from here... said that they really don't care. They just exemplify how fucked up our family is.
My mother is the one that I know is going to be the most devastated by all this. She is in her early seventies, yet could still work circles around anyone here at the office. She is also extremely intelligent and perceptive. She's also what we alcoholics and addicts call an "enabler". It's not that she make it easier to do our drugs of choice. It's just that she often would emotionally "bail out" both me and my brother. Yeah, she paid some of our bills to keep our lights from getting turned off or getting our cars from getting repossessed, but it's not like she was encouraging us to keep on our destructive path. Enablers aren't like that.
No, it's just that she will go to her grave firmly convinced that my brother died because she did or didn't do something. I already see it coming. Throw in the aspects that the company is in the middle of transition from mom and dad calling the shoots, to me and my sister, we're coming out of the worst 4 years in the company's 44 year history (just this side of closing the doors) and we're going into what looks to be one of the best political seasons (making signs, banners and decals for candidates) in over 12 years... basically makes everything kinda fucked up.
I guess I'm just frustrated by the "curse part" of being an addict, in knowing that there is little I can do to change these thing that are going on. I can not wave a magic wand and have my brother suddenly get better, never drink again and fully recover. I won't be able to keep my mother from blaming others and later, herself for what will happen soon. I also can't crawl into a little "pity hole" when the company and it's employees are counting on my sister and I more then ever.
I've already started to think about what I'm going to say in his eulogy. There isn't any reason for anyone to be sad over my brother's impending death or his passing. One of the things I've learned in watching so many of my friends, both in and out of recovery, die... is that it's not what we as family or friends have lost. No, it's what we have GAINED. My Higher Power saw fit to bless me with a big brother. The he will no longer physically be with me, the memories of all the things we did together will be with me forever. In the big picture, what more could a person ask for.
So, I do not ask for nor will I accept any type of pity or sympathy for my loss, because I haven't lost anything. I have something that no one else on the boards or even the world will ever have. No one but me can say that Gene Guy McCoy III was his big brother.
You can post this on the boards, if you wish. I'm sure that I will be checking in from time to time and maybe even posting something (probably some mindless dribble). I don't know what I'm going to be doing for sure. It's kinda like saying what you would do if you were in a plane that was about to crash. You really don't know until it happens. When it does... we'll all know, huh?
I gotta go say goodbye to my brother... later
While I was there, I talked to him and I held his hand. I remember that while I was talking to him, he grabbed my hand real tight. As if it was on cue to what I was saying. Of course, evry doctor would tell me that it's just muscle movement and that he couldn't actually hear me.
Logic tells me that they were correct. It'd also explain why he wouldn't do it again when I asked. My heart tells me that he did hear me and it also tells me that he, like the rest of the family's males, that he's just stubborn enough to NOT do it, just because I asked him to! LOL.
After I went to the hospital, I reaffirmed the fact that my mother DID NOT need to go see him. He was not in a "condition" a mother should remember her first child in. I wouldn't wish that on any mother. I had some of the details of his condition incorrect in my e-mail to Fish, but it really doesn't matter.
It turns out that ALL of his sons will be here. So it looks like it will be up to them to do the funeral arrangements. I've been down here at my office, "doctoring" a photograph for the obit in the paper.
I will say this. I did go on a 350 mile on Saturday, after seeing him the night before. I rode to an old theme park in NW Arkansas called Dogpatch USA. It's been closed for what must be over 10 years. Still, not counting the missing rides, most of the buildings and stuff are still there. Our family went there one time when they were open. I was probably about 8 or 9 at the time.
They had a "fishin' hole" there that had catfish that you could rent a pole and catch off the bridge over this small pond. They'd clean and package your catch so you could take it home. I remembered my brother helping me reel in what I thought was a whale. That was fun.
When I rode there, they just have a locked gate at each entrance. Since it's basically in the middle of nowhere, there is no fence around it. I walked down to the pond and the bridge is still there.
I would have caught another fish, bro, but they just weren't bitin' today. I love you, Gene.
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There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
-Ernest Hemingway
   
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Otis
Needs a job
Captain Kickstand
Posts: 3028
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posted April 08, 2002 03:24 AM
I'm very sorry about your brother Red, very sorry.
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It's a free country brother
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slantzilla
Novice Class
Posts: 99
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posted April 08, 2002 03:30 AM
Damn, Redelk.  (Sorry, don't know what to say at times like this)
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"It takes a big dog to weigh a ton"
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SPEEDCRAVER
Expert Class
Posts: 183
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posted April 08, 2002 04:27 AM
Red, I don't really know what to say 'cept all of your other brothers are here on this board to support you in any way needed.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Alan
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I keep all of my guns loaded, to many people die from unloaded guns.
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Ninjaman12R
Needs a job
as a Deal's Gap tour guide.
Posts: 4767
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posted April 08, 2002 05:14 AM
Godspeed.......
Sherman I am so sorry to hear this.you have all of us to lean on man. We are all here for you. You've got my phone numbers right??? Call me if you want to talk.
BTW,.... I went to Dogpatch USA when I was a kid too.
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What we're dealin' with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Sheriff Buford T. Justice of TEXAS
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EastBayDave
Needs a job
Posts: 2245
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posted April 08, 2002 06:41 AM
My heart & prayers go out for you Sherman. Don't let the grief get to you; just treasure those fond memories like the bridge & the fish...
If you ever need to chat, PM me w/your phone number. I lost ALL my close relatives in the last couple of years so I understand how you feel...
Dave
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Enjoy the ride!
02' ZRX1200
00' ZX12R sold
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12RPilot
Pro
Posts: 1094
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posted April 08, 2002 06:52 AM
I have the little, brown, barrel shaped mug with a wooden handle from Dog Patch. What I didn't have was an acute appreciation of the memories attached to that mug. I do now. I hope you find peace in all this very soon, Sherm. You have many friends.
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If you aren't an AMA member, you're part of the problem.
NESBA #209
http://www.bikepics.com/members/12rpilot/04zx10r/
 
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
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posted April 08, 2002 07:25 AM
RIP
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redelk
Moderator
Please... speak to the hand.
Posts: 3212
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posted April 08, 2002 07:37 AM
Thank You
Not being a "social butterfly", I have few local friends. I have always said that those here on the boards are true friends to me and who I'd be willing to do anything for. I do find comfort in knowing that the felling is mutual. Thank you, again.
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There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
-Ernest Hemingway
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BlackMandingoWarrior
Expert Class
Posts: 320
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posted April 08, 2002 07:39 AM
You've Got My Deepest Sympathy
And my prayers for you and your family. Stay strong.
Peace,
BMW
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BMW
The QuickSilver Ridin MoFo
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ROCKET J
Zone Head
Goes to water over a dummy!!!
Posts: 602
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posted April 08, 2002 08:00 AM
Edited By: ROCKET J on 8 Apr 2002 09:02
LIFE IS TRULY SHORT
I am sorry for you.
Remember the good times, not the bad.
I have not spoken to my own brother since my Mother's estate was finalized. VERY hard feelings there.
After reading this, Sherman, I know now that I should make the effort. But I also know that I am too stubborn (stupid) to do what now seems obvious.
Read the posts. You truly do have a family here that cares about you.
Jeff
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If I get any smarter, my head will explode!
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kawachan
Pro
Posts: 1031
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posted April 08, 2002 08:14 AM
Sherman, I was in LR riding around Saturday for a bit. Was going to come by and see ya at the hospital but I had to be up at 4! Stay strong and we'll be here for you. Sounds like you already have his eulogy spot on. Not exactly close to my big brother either, but he is the only one I have. RIP
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RED NINJAS RULE!!
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laref_jm
Parking Attendant
Posts: 25
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posted April 08, 2002 09:49 AM
Sorry to hear that about your brother red...
Stay strong
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kickstartmyheart
Novice Class
Posts: 57
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posted April 08, 2002 10:45 AM
Thoughts of support to you and your family
Your brother will always be with you.
Continue to fight the good fight.
Take care,
Mike
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Mike
2000 ZX-12R, Green
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Life, love, and liberty above all else
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22348bCVC
Zone Head
Posts: 798
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posted April 08, 2002 10:48 AM
Sorry for your loss, Sherman...and thank you for sharing a a very personal side of you...it helps to bring out certain perspectives about our own lives and what we need to do, could do, or should do in many, many ways...take care.
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...just relax...my dog wants to use only one of your legs...
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MadMike
Moderator
FEAR THE BLACK FLAG!!!!!!!!
Posts: 6579
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posted April 08, 2002 12:26 PM
Hey dude I am really sorry to hear about your loss, godspeed to your brother sherman! and god bless you!
Mike
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harryzx-12
Needs a job
Posts: 3643
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posted April 08, 2002 12:33 PM
RIP Gene.
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"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways- Body thoroughly used up, totally worn out...Screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride !!!"
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oldkawboy
Needs a job
Posts: 2125
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posted April 08, 2002 12:46 PM
Sherman,
We're so sorry for your loss, I can only hope you and your family come through okay....it will be tough.
Your words should make all of us realize that if we can change things, then do it. If we have to make the first step then get on with it because life is so short and we are fragile and there might not always be tomorrow.
Take care, you're in our hearts and prayers.
Dan
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TED
Novice Class
Posts: 41
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posted April 08, 2002 12:51 PM
GOD BLESS.
TED
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zxlnt
Needs a job
Kawpuke Extraordinare
Posts: 2853
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posted April 08, 2002 01:50 PM
Damn, Sherman, my thoughts are with you friend..
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Ballisticzx12r
Zone Head
& Deals Gap Board Member
Posts: 940
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posted April 08, 2002 03:01 PM
I'm Sorry Sherm,
Sherman,
I lost my mother very young and watched her battle cance for years. The loss of a family memeber is never an easy thing to deal with and my mothers passing still haunts me today.
In this case it seems that your brother had some of his own problems and being able to learn from them maybe the best memories you can receive.
Sincerely,
Bart
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Be fast and Be safe
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zx11_12
Expert Class
Posts: 207
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posted April 08, 2002 04:08 PM
Sherman,
My thoughts and prayers are with you, friend.
I am sorry for your loss.
Steve
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"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."
PJ O'Rourke
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Scooter
Zone Head
Posts: 899
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posted April 08, 2002 04:27 PM
Sherman,
Sounds like you already have the eulogy half done.
quote:
There isn't any reason for anyone to be sad over my brother's impending death or his passing. One of the things I've learned in watching so many of my friends, both in and out of recovery, die... is that it's not what we as family or friends have lost. No, it's what we have GAINED. My Higher Power saw fit to bless me with a big brother. The he will no longer physically be with me, the memories of all the things we did together will be with me forever. In the big picture, what more could a person ask for.
Well put, my friend. You have the realization to know you were blessed. I never had a brother.
I went to DogPatch as a kid too. Had no idea it was closed. I loved the big treehouse. Back then you could bail out into a big pile of sawdust, but that was before liability lawsuits were so prevelant. Nice way to go and reflect. The old bridge sounds like the right place.
Godspeed Gene
Keep your chin up, see ya in a few weeks.
Greg
____________
"Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional."
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slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted April 08, 2002 05:48 PM
your post is definately an eye opener. things i never really gave any thought to, are suddenly more important.
knowing that time is short is one thing, but the realization is all that much more powerful. really understanding it is another.
ive not yet lost a parent or sibling, but time grows closer to when i will have to face that eventuality. and losing touch with family members is never an easy thing, regardless of the reason.
anyways i pray for the best for you and your family
karl the slug...
ps thanks again for the eloquent writing, it HAS made its impact.
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redelk
Moderator
Please... speak to the hand.
Posts: 3212
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posted April 08, 2002 06:42 PM
Thank you all, again.
I have visited this page many times today. I really does give me the strength to make it through the day. My parents and nephews have made the funeral arrangements for Wednesday's service. I have spent most of the day at work scanning in old photographs and cleaning them up. I was down here till 4 am this morning. Two of my nephews were here till almost 2 am. I think it's time I go home and get some sleep, eh?
Again, thank you all very much. Your posts means more to me then you could ever imagine.
____________
There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
-Ernest Hemingway
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