zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 26, 2002 10:21 AM
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink:
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back,
she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says
the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She
says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't
want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a
part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I
play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A - Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance
to anybody.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street
and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "Force yourself," she
replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first woman as well as the first Jewish President, a Susan Vineberg. So the
President-elect calls up her mother a few weeks after election day; "So ma,
I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a
ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout
is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to
pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your
door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on
Earth I would wear." "Oh mom," replies Susan, "don't worry about it. I'll
make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior." "Honey," Mom
complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like
to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair
is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way.
Mom, I want you to come." So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Susan
Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In
the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator
sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with her hand on the
Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back,
"Yes I do." "Her brother's a doctor."
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 28, 2002 06:44 AM
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees. "What's the second condition?" You must be home by 2 a.m. Any
later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be
home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't
show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to have turned into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of
no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember,
exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 28, 2002 06:45 AM
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a
girlfriend?"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 28, 2002 06:46 AM
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
and said, "Red, I'm going to screw your
brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her
picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said,
"No, you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 28, 2002 06:46 AM
MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't
say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy.
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bagster
Zone Head
Posts: 630
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posted April 28, 2002 07:24 AM
"BIG" trouble
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor
to complain that he is having a problem with this
cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total
frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is
nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may
be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help.
Can anything be done to help me? You are my only
hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her
head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to
help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into
the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you
will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has
magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the
frog says no, you will find five inches less of your
problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off
into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5
inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud,"this is great! But
it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the
frog to marry me again." Frog, will you marry me?"
the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in
its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt
another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was
another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed,"This is
fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long,
and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still
a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out,
"Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back
across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do
I have to tell you?
NO, NO, NO!!!
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slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted April 28, 2002 08:06 AM
geez i tried SO hard to keep that a secret....
*sigh*
   
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 07, 2002 07:29 AM
Two blondes are in heaven: First blond says to the other, "how did you die?"
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to
freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran to the bedroom and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one
was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got up there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity .. if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 10, 2002 06:27 AM
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity. ************
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
***************
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
***************
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**************
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
***************
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
**************
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
**************
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
**************
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
*************
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
***************
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
**************
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
***************
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
****************
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
***************
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
***************
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 11, 2002 08:01 AM
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner
was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was
approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle
shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
1. The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to people for incredible feats of stupidity) goes to.... Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 17, 2002 05:57 AM
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or
Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 21, 2002 11:16 AM
STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
Mark E. Petersen
Council of the 12 Apostles
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been,
both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You
must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision,
the problem will be greatly reduced at once.
But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it
is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your
mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any
tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific
guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during
normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company
and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same
problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never
associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't
suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will.
You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in
their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.
The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where
it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more
wholesome things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never
stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long
enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE
BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your
family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the
most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you
cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would
be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those
clothes. By the time you started to remove protective
clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your
thinking that the temptation would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed,
GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A
SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if
you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining
weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET
YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your
thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your
problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a
thought, then an act."
The thought pattern must be changed. You must not
allow this problem to remain in your mid. When you
accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read
good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the
Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading
at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the
four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The
four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above
anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their
uplifting qualities.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for
that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray
for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray
for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends,
your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT
MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT
IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!
The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect [sic] on how
easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to
control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and
is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the
act, he develops the power to control it.
We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean
so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit
that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not
physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is
totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of
the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore
separates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan.
This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect
testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church callings become
burdensome, offerins.
To help in planning an effective program to overcome the problem a
brieation is given of how the reproductive organs in a young man function.
The testes in your body are continually producing hundreds of millions
of reproductive cells call _spermatozoa_. These are moved up a tube called the
_vas deferens_ to a place called the _ampulla_ where they are mixed with fluids
from two membranous pouches called _seminal vesicles_ and the _prostate gland_.
The resultant fluid is calleeminal vesicles are full a signa to the _central
nervous system_ indicating they are ready to benother, depending on such
thingsexercise, state of health, etc. everal times a week, for others
It is normal for the vesicles to be emptied occasionally at night
durise the emptying come from the cetral nervous system. Often an erotic dream
is experienced at the same time, and is a part of this normal process. nstead
ourse, the reproductive system is operating at a more rapid pace, trying to
keep up with the loss of semen. When he stops the habit, the body will
continue to produce ahis increased rate, for an indefese are not harmful and
are to be endured until the normal central nervous system pathway of rel
During this period of control several things can be done to make the pr
As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming
masturbation can be implemented using some of t Remember it is essential that a
regur report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures
understood and eliminated.
Suggestions:
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will
strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out
lout when the temptations are the strongest.
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises
reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely
basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical
activity when you feel stress increasing.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell _STOP_ to
those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then
recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn.
It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish
need to indulge.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week,
month, year and finally commit to never doing it again.
Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be
open to temptation.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved
through a changed self-image. Spend time every day
imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming
tempting situations.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate
this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your
relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to
enhance your strengths and talents.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others
and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use
principles of developing friendships found in books such as
_How to Win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to
feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These
emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a
way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods
through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting
a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry
it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of
self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to
have _no black days_. The calendar becomes a strong visual
reminder of self control and should be looked at when you
are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up
until you have at least three clear months.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at
certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall,
in detail, what your particular times and conditions were.
Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the
pattern through counter activities.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective
technique called _aversion therapy_. When we associate
or think of something very distasteful with something which has
been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought
and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was
pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful
with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the
act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think
of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of
them as you do the act.
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the
bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage
being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake,
no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something.
Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large
amounts of fluids before retiring.
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food.
Eat as lightly as possible at night.
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and
not binding.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that
might create sexual excitement.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use
in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in
hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme
cases.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to
the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of
masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This
can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of
clothing which would be difficult to remove while half
asleep.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have
to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you
overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which
delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your
progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude
patterns which were part of your problem. _Satan Never Gives
Up_. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive
mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and
strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life
a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.
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Your Car Is Slow
Needs a job
Fuck Nitrous...Got Boost?
Posts: 4089
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posted May 23, 2002 02:24 PM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
____________
Do not taunt happy fun ball!
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 24, 2002 06:42 AM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it. No other excuses whatsoever !"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says...
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted May 24, 2002 06:52 AM
Subject: 50 Acres In Alaska...
Bruce had been in business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys
50 acres in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He sees he postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a
big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars...your
neighbor from 40 miles away...having a Xmas party
Friday....thought you might like to come.....about 5."
"Great," says Bruce, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
you...There's gonna be some drinkin." "Not a
problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.
"More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Bruce says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll
be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen
some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's
really not a problem," says Bruce. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what ! should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever
you want, just gonna be the two of us."
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