zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 26, 2002 09:03 AM
More Jokes
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the
same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since
men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked
women we should replace all of our female flight attendants
with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country
would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We
would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would
have record sales.
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 26, 2002 09:05 AM
To ensure we Americans never offend anyone -- particularly fanatics intent on killing us -- airport screeners are not allowed to profile people. They will, however, continue to perform random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service
agents who are members of the President's security detail, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test...
In 1972, 11 Israeli athletes were killed at the Munich Olympics by:
(a) Grandma Moses;
(b) The night cleaning crew at Rockefeller Center;
(c) Invaders from Mars; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from the Lichen Herbarium of the University of Oslo;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that having to throw a grenade
beyond its own burst radius in basic training was an unfair and
sexist job requirement;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2";
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance, who had a few sticks of dynamite left over
from their train mission; or,
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) The entire cast of "Cats";
(b) Martha Stewart;
(c) Cheese-crazed tourists from Wisconsin; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania a were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems;
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain:
"Mustapha the Merciless"; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wil E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
(b) The US Supreme Court,
(c) Barney; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
Hmmm...nope, ain't no patterns here. Darned if I know why we should ever even think about profiling
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 26, 2002 09:08 AM
Three guys, a Chinese student, a Japanese businessman, and a Hawaiian are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there is a beeping sound. The Chinese student presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The other two look at him questioningly, "That's my pager", he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes, later a phone rings. The Japanese business man lifts his palm to his ear. When he's done he explains, "That's my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand." The Hawaiian, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. A few minutes later, he returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his okole. The others raise their eyebrows. "Brah, I get one fax coming in".
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted March 26, 2002 09:16 AM
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 26, 2002 09:18 AM
 Edited By: zx12zx11 on 26 Mar 2002 09:19
Here fishy, fishy http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/archive/fishy.shtml
Some nudity, well kinda
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 26, 2002 09:23 AM
Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads
Just in case you are thinking about answering some dating adds -
here is the code-breaker.
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish..........................49
Adventurer.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.......................No tits Average looking....Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated....................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure......On medication
Feminist......................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit.................Junkie
Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.............................Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic
New-Age.........! ..........All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded............Desperate
Outgoing....................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Poet...........................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional...............Certified bitch
Redhead....................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..............Grossly fat
Romantic....................Looks better by candle light
Social........................Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous................Very fat
Weight proportion w/height......Hugely fat - as tall as she is wide
Wants Soulmate........Stalker-widow - drove first husband to suicide
Young at heart..........Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..............Watches a lot of sports on TV
Average looking.......Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated..............Will patronize the s*** out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first.. As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun.....................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking..........Arrogant
Very good looking........Thick as 2 short planks
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mamma's boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not
interested
Poet! .....................Wrote ex-girlfriend's no. in a phonebox
Sensitive...............Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........Gay
Spiritual................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable...................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
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Scooter
Zone Head
Posts: 899
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posted March 27, 2002 12:09 AM
On hearing that her elderly
grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, "replied granny."Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
____________
"Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional."
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harryzx-12
Needs a job
Posts: 3643
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posted March 27, 2002 03:24 AM
> Oaths of Enlistment
>
> All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon
> reenlistment
> are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of
> Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both
> society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone
> marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of
> the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest
> versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint
> Chief's of Staff:
>
> US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
>
> I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
> UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the
> Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over
> waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
> form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as
> a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone
> by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other
> services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me
> and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact.
> After completion of "Basic Training" I will be a lean, mean,
> donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
> Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and
> will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next
> person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home
> early every day.
> So Help Me God!
>
> ____________________
> Signature
> ____________________
> Date
>
>
> US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
>
> I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
> UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB
> to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and
> the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage
> every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure
> out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24
> hours
> a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I
> am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am,
> despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial
> for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8
> in
> my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I
> scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....
> er.... I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army
> school
> every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On
> my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool
> and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay
> home
> because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air
> Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take
> her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
> getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every
> day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to
> report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no
> training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and
> will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I
> will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college,
> but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
>
> So Help Me God!
>
> _____________________
> Signature
>
> _____________________
> Date
>
>
> US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
>
> I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
> of
> my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with
> Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
> the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually
> live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to
> swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in
> 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of
> pants
> I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man
> during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will
> strive
> to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking
> world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk,
> scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall,
> hat,
> candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great
> pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and
> everything else for that matter, are completely different from the
> other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
> muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am
> buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around
> 0930.
> I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can
> stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not
> spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
> least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for
> Chief,
> I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly
> illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues."
>
> So Help Me Neptune!
>
> ______________________
> Signature
>
> ______________________
> Date
>
>
> US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
>
> I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear..uhhhh....
> high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... ugh...Air Force
> women....OORAH!
>
> So Help Me CORPS!
>
> X____________________
> Thumb Print
> ____________________
> Date
____________
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways- Body thoroughly used up, totally worn out...Screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride !!!"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 27, 2002 07:07 AM
LEXUS:
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around
nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales
person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to
her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?
Very uncomfortably she asked, Sir, what is the price on this lovely
vehicle?" He answered, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very
likely going to shit when you hear the price.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 27, 2002 07:10 AM
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11,' all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'hit me light,' or 'hit me hard,' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 27, 2002 07:11 AM
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,
"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells,
"WHAT?
What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 27, 2002 11:45 AM
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going, you moron! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted March 29, 2002 07:19 AM
Bear In Billings
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
>
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted April 01, 2002 09:22 AM
When the Creator was making the world,
He called man aside and bestowed upon him
20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified!
"Only 20 years!" he complained.
But the Creator didn't budge. That was all
He would grant him.
Then He called the monkey and gave him
20 years. "But I don't need 20 years,"
said the monkey, "10 is plenty."
Man spoke up and said, "Can't I have
the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
Then the Creator called the lion and
gave him 20 years. The lion said he
desired only 10 years. Again, man asked,
"Can't I have the other 10 years?"
"Of course," roared the lion.
Then came the donkey. He, too, was
given 20 years and like the others said 10
years was all he needed. Man asked again
for the spare 10 years and again received them.
This explains why man has 20 years of
normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying
around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10
years of making an ass of himself
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harryzx-12
Needs a job
Posts: 3643
|
posted April 01, 2002 03:27 PM
Why did cave men drag women around by their hair?
Cause if they drug them around by their feet they'd fill up with dirt!!
____________
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways- Body thoroughly used up, totally worn out...Screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride !!!"
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ROCKET J
Zone Head
Goes to water over a dummy!!!
Posts: 602
|
posted April 02, 2002 11:09 PM
CVC?
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees
a couple in a car, with the interior light on. As he gets closer to the car,
he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a
young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man
lowers his window... "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..." Pointing towards the
young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?" The young man
shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover..." The cop is totally
confused. A young couple alone in a car at night ... and nothing obscene is
happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir..." "And her, what's
her age?" The young man looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in 20
minutes
____________
If I get any smarter, my head will explode!
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted April 05, 2002 08:24 AM
Subject: 1970 vs 2000 30 years gone by
1970 Vs 2000 - 30 YEARS MAKES A DIFFERENCE
1970: Long hair.
2000: Longing for hair.
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints, taking pills.
1970: President struggles with Fidel.
2000: President struggles with fidelity.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kervorkian.
1970: Getting out to a hip new joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system.
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Trying to find hair to cut.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted April 05, 2002 08:25 AM
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that
the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
|
posted April 05, 2002 08:26 AM
>2001 Bumper Sticker Awards
>
>1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit .
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>3. If You Drink, Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little
Better.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek
Counseling.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>14. Horn Broken -- Watch For Finger.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>19. I Have The Body Of A God -- Buddha.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>21. So Many Pedestrians -- So Little Time.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>24. The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Do.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>33. Where Are We Going, And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down
On A
>Jeep]
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For
70mph.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like
Jabba
>The Hut?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>44. Ax Me About Ebonics.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>50. Heart Attacks -- God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>59 Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>64. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
|
slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted April 05, 2002 02:44 PM
"caution i drive as bad as you do..."
  
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 12, 2002 07:49 AM
>Ever wonder why Middle Eastern Muslim terrorists are
>so quick to volunteer on a mission to commit suicide?
>Let's just take a closer look at their lifestyle...
>
>No premarital sex.
>No booze. None. Never.
>Sand. *&^%** sand everywhere!
>No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.
>No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN. No Hooters!!
>No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
>Sand. *&^%** sand everywhere!
>No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!
>Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs. No
>Victoria's
>Secret Stuff.
>Very, very, very few cars.
>Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
>Sand. *&^%** sand everywhere!
>Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
>Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere!
>Rags for clothes and hats.
>Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.
>Eating with your right hand only... because you wipe your butt with your
>left hand! Toilet tissue unknown.
>Sand. *&^%** sand everywhere!
>No golf! Just sand traps.
>Constant wailing from next door... no wait, that's music!
>Oh, and did I mention all that sand?
>And when you die it's supposed to all get better......
>No wonder they volunteer for suicide missions
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zx12richard
Pro
The Green Monster..
Posts: 1133
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posted April 12, 2002 08:37 AM
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
20. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50_50_90 rule: Anytime you have a 50_50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead! batteries.
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Tearinitup
Expert Class
VP Code Monkey
Posts: 298
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posted April 19, 2002 06:21 AM
Big Johnson Motorcycles
New US Motorcycle Manufacturer:
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers". Long added, "We, at Johnson, are convinced our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish".
The new line of bikes, marketed under the name 'Big Johnson Motorcycles', will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after".
At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson", said one Harley owner." But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."
Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson", said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."
Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson", he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both. "Given the choice", said Long. " I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson".
Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.
One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that something we could both enjoy and it's something he really needs."
Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell." Big Johnson motorcycles will be traded on the stock exchange under the abbreviation P-ENVY.
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zx12zx11
Expert Class
Posts: 471
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posted April 24, 2002 10:05 AM
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What? Are they going to fucking do something that's longer?
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!
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slug
Pro
Out in search of my mind...
Posts: 1433
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posted April 24, 2002 07:48 PM
sounds like george carlin... (spelling?)
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