eastbaydave
Needs a job
Posts: 2245
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posted June 11, 2005 06:46 AM
 Edited By: eastbaydave on 11 Jun 2005 07:46
Bike vandals/rider rant
Hey Crackhead!!
Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my
girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off
both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone
would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind
of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I
knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a
padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that
night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the
sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that
"people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of
spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and
former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I
remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from
the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I
figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would
have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering.
Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days
and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating
knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how
fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You
couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a
home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your
laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was
it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I
found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right
one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare
sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a
73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in
my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the
neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my
sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4"
and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket.
Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen
discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I
should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing
for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm
not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet
anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me
wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've
heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't
understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a
calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main
thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is
crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must
clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my
sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it
for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy
crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that
stupid.
I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to
appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California
Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which
I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the
last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is
concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire
me. I am hella pissed at you dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat
poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it
was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is
probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm
sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to
miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel
mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced.
I am not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy
yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience
and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.
Sincerely,
Matt
*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard
this posting ***
____________
Enjoy the ride!
02' ZRX1200
00' ZX12R sold
  
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zxlnt
Needs a job
Kawpuke Extraordinare
Posts: 2853
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posted June 12, 2005 11:34 AM
Your joking right???
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frEEk
Administrator
ummm... yeah
Posts: 9660
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posted June 12, 2005 06:06 PM
dont think so. i believe the rant was initially posted on Craig's List at least a year ago. for some reason i think it was supposed to have occurred in vancouver, but that may have been an addition as it was passed around.
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Hells Dark Lord
Needs a life
living life, and loving it.
Posts: 7981
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posted June 15, 2005 01:34 AM
lmfao...that sucks dude.....Chain up a 100 lbs Pit to the bike you wont have to worry about losing your spark plugs again.....lol
Or set it up on a mat and run 110 volts to the mat.....so when the stoned individual steps on it, he gets zapped.....think of it as your very own crackhead zapper.....lol
____________
When in doubt, lean farther and go faster....
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eastbaydave
Needs a job
Posts: 2245
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posted June 15, 2005 06:37 AM
the reason it was posted again is the same thing happened to the same guy again+ it's still happening to others. If you park your bike in downtown San Francisco, your taking chances of losing exposed sparkplugs (some poor guy on a new Moto Guzzi got it last week), or even them knocking it over & one guy got his speedo/tach busted out.
fuggin' crackheads....
____________
Enjoy the ride!
02' ZRX1200
00' ZX12R sold
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